so we now have internet at home.. so hopefully i can keep up a once a week blog entry.. this year must be a year of change. must be a year of getting out of my head, out of my lazyness and learning to relax and balance my new life as a wife and as a mom. i can't believe john turns one year old in less than 3 months!

so over the past few months i have discovered that i have been having anxiety attacks.. i don't think they were super serious, but i was finding it hard to breathe, tightness in my chest and my thoughts were very blurred. after seeking some much needed help over the past few weeks.. i felt like yesterday was a day of freedom... for the first time in a long time.. everything about my day was the same, except how i felt on the inside. my day was long and busy and i forgot to eat lunch, and still got the same amount of hours of sleep the night before. but for some reason when my parents were invited for dinner by my husband, i had a quick thought of "oh no, i am gonna be so tired and don't have the energy to make them dinner, never mind clean up afterwords AND entertain them and get john ready for bed" but of course that was a worry thought.. in advance and really i had no idea how the night would turn out.. i was only thinking about how it usually goes.. but that thought of "oh, no" was very quick in passing... i felt like i made zero effort to push that thought away, but i just started putting the dinner together.. and D and my dad went to the store for some ingredients... it all came together smoothly.. and even when john was woken up (by my careless unwrapping of his new playpen an hour after he went to sleep) i still didnt get stressed (like i normally do) and D and i both comforted him back to sleep and he woke up 2 more times after that but i still got a great nights sleep..
so after all these events happening it seems like i did very little in my own control, but someone else was on my side yesterday.. it made me wonder if someone out there was praying for me yesterday... because it really did feel out of my control.. because control is something i dont have my head/hands wrapped around yet.. God knows when i will learn.