mysteriously
=
simultaneously arousing wonder and inquisitiveness, and eluding explanation or comprehension..

so easter has come and gone..

this weekend has been one of reflection and lazyness.. i wish it had a little more balance though.. i felt like i wasted away many hours.. especially on saturday watching almost 6 hours of tv.. ahhh!

anyways friday night.. (good friday) my church went over to centre island to celebrate the death of Jesus.. we had some quiet self reflection/gethsemane meditations.. and then we gathered together to read the crucifixtion/passion story.. and partook communion together.. it was beautiful.. a great view of the city.. to look on the city - to see the city that we live in - to see the city that we as a church are living in but not of... trying to be lights in the dark..
i went to walmer road baptist church yesterday morning.. so beautiful.. tears were pouring down while singing "we bow down, we lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus" it was so appropriate for easter sunday..

so what am i doing with my life? i really want to get focused.. i feel like its an ongoing thing.. and not getting anywhere.. maybe i do need to quit my job... i suppose i should put in for a transfer first to somewhere more local and see how that goes over.. and then.. continue to pay off the debts.. really sacrifice stuff.. i should get my bike fixed again and then really budget myself.. take some partime courses and get myself on track.. i feel so yucky these days..

what makes me come alive?

its been in my mind a lot today and i hope to further dig into this subject.. in myself... i have so many passions and things i want to be or do "when i grow up"

i really just want something - anything to be handed over to me.. that says "this is your task in this life" "this is what i have planned for you from the beginning" i really wish it were this easy.. but i really think God wants me to choose something and that He trusts me to choose that something and that he will use me in and during that something and continuing on after that something.. that that something is only a small part of this life he has chosen for me.. that i need to step out blindly (in faith) with hope that all things work out for good for those who love God. that it will work out for good if i love Him...

what makes me come alive?
communication makes me come alive.. the spark in ones eye when they finally "get it"... when they understand..,. when the connection has been made.. i love it..


so i spent some time last night googling "what makes me come alive" and i came across a few great websites.. one being www.43things.com i find this website is very encouraging.. and very neat how it inspires each of us to set goals and encourage eachother and keep eachother accountable.. very cool..

JUDGING AMY and my Purpose.

i love this show. each sunday morning i wake up for 9am to watch this show.. i love how it starts my day.. how it motivates me.. it brings me to my journal each week.. it stirs so many thoughts and passions within me .. and i need a way to express them..

i love to give.. in many ways.. as i learn more about myself.. more about who i am i am discovering that i am a giver.. that if i dont find a means to give i can go crazy.. i am always looking for ways .. there is no limit.. give by setting examples by being an encourager, by searching out a need and give accordingly - emotional, spiritual, material,... for me to discover this and find a way to fulfill it is gift for me.. to see that smile on someones face.. to use resources (within my reach) and my heart for all in need is what i believe i have been created for. implementing new ideas, delegating and teaching leaders to run with them and then i move on..

i find it hard to move on a lot of times, but i know this makes sense for me.. and i think this is why i involve myself with so many things.. for key reason to teach others.. and learning to part from them will keep me strong and moving forward and prevent burnout..

all this thought has been inspired by watching judging amy.. i encourage more to watch this show.. i am not a big fan of tv but if it moves me to action that is when i deam it of great importance..

when people talk of their purpose.. i am always trying to seek out mine.. and complain that i keep getting involved in so many things and that i cant focus.. well i think today is that day that i have gained focus.. now i just need to find a way to get a job from this to pay the rent :)

so the last couple weeks.. i have been spending a bit of time with a very good old friend.. who i havent seen in almost 5 years.. its been soo good reconnecting and reminiscing of the old times.. and what we have been up to in the past 5 years.. how each of us have changed.. making our amends and expressing our apologies.. its been wonderfull.. he shows me how to have fun.. and love the little things.. we share so much in common and now he just got a job with me.. so i hope that he will bring energy there and encourage me when i am having a rough day..

also,.. just yesterday i have begun reconnecting with the pastors of this neighbourhood and with the neighbourhood centres and brainstorming what we can do in this neighbourhood.. and how we can bring life and energy here.. we also began discussing the park event for next christmas.. wow.. so early.. well i guess i learned a lot from last year and now i can get a big start on things.. especially focusing on finding people who are interested in implementing this same event in their neighbourhood...

so many things stiring in the pot.. i just need to make sure i dont put too many ingredients in it.. so that it blends well together..

just yesterday i discovered something good about my new job.. well something good that helps to keep me strong.. and so i sat on the floor on the top level near to the indigo.. in this space that is totally not for sitting and i get alot of strange looks from people but i just isolate myself there and escape from the work environment... and i sat there before work yesterday for 20min or so... with a new discovery about my new job...it is only temporary.. (most jobs.. well i guess all jobs are in one way or another temporary) so i guess i should say more short term less than a year kind of job... it is good to find the useful things about jobs.. (does that make sense?) well for example, my new job teaches me speed and service.. it is helping me to be more disciplined.. and to work as a team.. it is humbling to me.. since starting back at the beginning again... (learning things new again) its hard for me to accept those places.. i am mostly used to places of leadership.. so this can be humbling if i allow it to be...

and so i came to this realization that everything i do is preparing me and building me up for greater things, to bring me closer to the Kingdom of Heaven on earth.

"God has delivered your enemy into your hand this day. Let me strike him..." David said to Abishai "Do not destroy him; for who can stretch out his hand against the LORD's anointed, and be guiltless?"..."As the LORD lives, the LORD shall strike him, or his day shall come to die, or he shall go out to battle and perish. The LORD forbid that i should stretch out my hand against the LORD's anoingted..." 1Sam 26:8-11
*I see the above quote as an example of Spirit and Truth. because David had Saul's life in his hands and could have chosen to kill him, he could have thought (in spirit) that this was a sign from God that He was placing Saul's life in his hands to kill him. But David, knowing the Truth, decided to follow the law which states not to kill the LORD's anointed. regardless if the anointed is following the law or now.
*it is kindof like my parents who are not following the law of the Bible. but i still need to obey them unless it goes against my beliefs. *that would be honoring my mother and father according to the ten commandments..(truth)

When i dont feel the Holy Spirit leading me I dont hear an answer from him, it is likely that i know the truth already and should obey.
*perviously i was deciding to quit starbucks job, but then realized that i wasnt "feeling" anything from the spirit and realized the truth would be that the job enables me to pay off the unnecessary, irresponsible debt oweing to the bank..